I'm sitting outside a pub in the freezing cold having a beer because it's far too fucking crowded inside. That's how Scottish I am. If someone finds my balls rolling down Waterloo Street in Glasgow, could they please return them to ugly bastard sitting outside The Smokin' Fox. Cheers!

Fuck, I can't feel my fingers now because I'm a stupid cunt and forgot my gloves.

To whom it may concern: I'm sitting in my nice warm home and my testicles are now firmly reattached. It's truly amazing what you can do with a staple gun. I can only hope that bastard of a Staffordshire Bull Terrier didn't chew them up too badly. Cheers!

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