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Instagram ✅ @Instagram@mastodon.technology

Announcement about our app:

The latest update will ask for permission to turn on the camera even when the app isn't open.

Rest assured this is due to technical restrictions and has nothing to do with harvesting more images.

Rumours of NSA involvement cannot be commented on at this time.

We've sent a focus group to figure out how we can adjust our figures to appear more diverse.

YES YES YES YES YES.

We KNOW we have only 3 women on our team of 10,000.

We're working on it. The problem is the women keep quitting. Something about the guys "looking at boobs all day" and "lewd comments."

Hey ladies! Participate in our program and remind men you exist too!

The boys at the office spent all week coming up with that one.

@Twitter @Facebook @realDonaldTrump @twitter Specifically, he didn't like that we woudn't sell the footage to him for under $1 billion. We have to pay for our valuation somehow!

@twitter @realDonaldTrump @Facebook @Twitter That sneaky bastard is always trying to besmirch us ever since our representative said Trump was being "obstinante" and a "poopy pants" about one of our proposals to install CCTV cameras for our new upcoming feature.

Rest assured we are working to restore relations with the president.

A reminder that our terms of service EXPLICITLY state that our new venture, InstaPorn.XXX, with images crowdsourced from our users, is completely permissible. We have a complete license to your photos.

Don't worry, we'll change the names! No one will know it's you!

@twitter Soon enough you'll discover it's really gonna be 80pxxx × 80pxxx

Once again: rumours that we have "Wacky Genital Wednesday" where we look for the weirdest genital pics are just complete falsehoods probably fabricated by @twitter and Snapchat.

We at Instagram care about your privacy and are not laughing at the pictures of his penis. Honest.

We won't tell your boyfriend about that sexting session you had with your ex. Promise.

We at Instagram FIRMLY BELIEVE:

* Sharing is caring
* Sharing your images is good
* Share all the images on your device
* We don't care if they're nudes or if you're fat or ugly
* Good artists copy

@Facebook Throw enough people at something and you can copy anything.

@Facebook TODO: figure out how to acquire Mastodon.

@twitter hey when are your investors gonna demand you make a shitty clone of us that probably limits images to 140x140?

@Facebook We'll soon have 90% of the UI of SnapChat cloned and most of their filters implemented.

We have Sirius XM on board with us. We convinced those suckers they needed an account here. Morons.

@Facebook It's doing great!

Say, don't you own us?