I got really bad news from my doctor after she saw my x-rays and my brain scans but I haven't told my family yet I don't want them to be worried anymore than they already are and there's nothing I can do anyway, done is done this damage cannot be reversed. I'm slowly dying. I.just want my son to see how brave that a man can be in the face of such adversity because it's gonna happen to him too the black cloud that is overtaking me unfortunately may overtake him as well.
I told my son that we might have two Christmases will get up on Christmas and realize that it is Christmas but no one's getting anything unfortunately the second Christmas will happen after I get a new job. I'm afraid to get off the couch yet I'm afraid not to. fucking paralyzed with regret and shame not able to live up to my obligations as the man of the house.
Okay here we go the miasma is starting once again I'm chained to the fucking couch and I can't move I'm afraid to get off of it. looks like I'll make rent this month but not next month and I'm really scared to fucking death. I'm afraid that I won't be such a good example to my son after all is said and done with this. at least he'll know I tried every day he sees me trying and failing too I guess that's good you know that I keep trying anyway.
Status:alive, frightened that I may not make the cut for this interview. Doctors appointment because I don't have the money to pay for it. this is not a rant against or for Obamacare I don't care either way right now, i just can't afford a visit.
Eventually I will get into the details, I owe you guys that for sticking around and sending me positive thoughts, I'm not out of the hot water yet
not nearly suicidal, just broken beyond repair.
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