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I got really bad news from my doctor after she saw my x-rays and my brain scans but I haven't told my family yet I don't want them to be worried anymore than they already are and there's nothing I can do anyway, done is done this damage cannot be reversed. I'm slowly dying. I.just want my son to see how brave that a man can be in the face of such adversity because it's gonna happen to him too the black cloud that is overtaking me unfortunately may overtake him as well.

I just can't let him see me cry again it really affects him. Sometimes I just can't help it, I think about things and just I start to sob uncontrollably.

I told my son that we might have two Christmases will get up on Christmas and realize that it is Christmas but no one's getting anything unfortunately the second Christmas will happen after I get a new job. I'm afraid to get off the couch yet I'm afraid not to. fucking paralyzed with regret and shame not able to live up to my obligations as the man of the house.

Okay here we go the miasma is starting once again I'm chained to the fucking couch and I can't move I'm afraid to get off of it. looks like I'll make rent this month but not next month and I'm really scared to fucking death. I'm afraid that I won't be such a good example to my son after all is said and done with this. at least he'll know I tried every day he sees me trying and failing too I guess that's good you know that I keep trying anyway.

Status:alive, freaked out, lack of results from my interview last week. Whole new level of stress

Status:alive, have a few weeks of cash to live on. I feel ok today

Status: alive and scared,really fucking scared, my last scheduled interview. I cried this morning because off the guilt infidel for being a bad example for my kid

I'm still really scared but it looks like I might actually get out of thing alive with a decent job soon.

Status:alive, frightened that I may not make the cut for this interview. Doctors appointment because I don't have the money to pay for it. this is not a rant against or for Obamacare I don't care either way right now, i just can't afford a visit.
Eventually I will get into the details, I owe you guys that for sticking around and sending me positive thoughts, I'm not out of the hot water yet

Status:alive, sry for late report, been busy distracting myself from these feelings of doom.

Status: alive, scared, could start work soon but something I won't mention is preventing me from actually doing it. It's embarrassing to admit what it is, so I won't.

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